028;

I have nothing. I have nothing absolutely nothing. I have a handful of friends I trust, a boyfriend who lives thousands of miles away, no motivation, no urge to succeed. I'm so far behind in school I hardly see the point in trying anymore. I don't see the point in anything anymore. I wouldn't be hurting anyone if I just disappeared. I bet no one would even notice.

Part of me wants to get a job, save up some money and then run away to Paris or London when I turn 18...maybe I'll do it.

027;

I have a horrible tendency to take things the wrong way. I constantly think that people are out to get me so I take things badly instead of the way I'm supposed to. For example, if someone says "You look nice today." I immediately think, "What, I looked bad yesterday?" instead of viewing it as a compliment.

I'm far too paranoid for my own good, it'll kill me one day.

026;

I'm seeing things.

Last week I had a nightmare and now each time I pass a window, I see shadowy figures. I hear whispers when it's quiet and I feel like someone is watching me. I can't sleep without a light on or I can hear breathing and feel movement at the end of my bed.

I know it's all in my head, I just can't get it out. Does this mean I'm at my breaking point? I don't know, I just wish it would stop. It's driving me insane.

025;

I just realized that I'm not going to have grad pictures, I'm not going to have any dances, I'm not going to have a dry-grad and I doubt that I'm going to have a graduation ceremony. I have no friends other than Jolene. I don't leave the house unless it's with Jolene. I don't think I'm going to graduate by June.

I'm starting to think that maybe this wasn't the greatest decision...it's too late for me to change that though.

024;

I think I've finally reached that point in my depression that I don't give a shit anymore.

Nothing bothers me. I hardly feel anything at all. It's like none of this is worth it anymore; like there's no point.

Why should I even try do be anything with my life when we all end up dead anyways? Why shouldn't I just cut out numerous decades and end it all now? It makes perfect sense, in my head.

It's not like I'm ever going to be completely happy. I'm too hard to please and I spend far too much time being a pessimist.

To put it simply, I don't give a fuck.

023;

Okay, so now we're into October. I dropped out of Byrne Creek and I'm now going to register online. I feel much happier with this decision.

Oh, and hanging out with Brandon and Jolene made me realize that I really really REALLY want my own gamerboy. I want a boy to play video games with me and share my love of RvB and cuddle while watching Star Wars, Star Trek and Harry Potter.

022;

Despite the fact that I know I should be attending class everyday...I find myself unable to gather the motivation. I came home sick last Thursday but on Friday...I just didn't feel like going. So I faked sick and stayed home.

Today, I find myself unbearably tired. Like, I got loads of sleep last night but if I'm not doing something for a few seconds, I find myself dozing. So...I decided to stay home and sleep. At least this time I'm going to be finishing up math and psychology homework but still.

Part of me just wants to do my courses online. I don't like the people at my school. A few are nice but most of them are just rude and bitchy. I don't feel like I fit in and I hate it. I really want to talk to my mom about signing up online, but at a place that has teachers I can e-mail at all times for help. I think it would be much better than this.