010;

So I met a guy the other day. He's fucking amazing. He is everything I've ever wanted in a guy, seriously. He's sweet, kind, funny, caring, adorable and he listens. He actually cares about what I have to say. I only met him the other day but I already like him, a lot. Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions but he says he feels the same way and that he would love to be able to call me his girlfriend.

Holy fuck though, this is happening a little fast. Chris agrees though and we've decided to just become better friends first. I think this is a good choice. But really...he's amazing. The only thing stopping this from being the best relationship of all time (Sorry Lexi and Shay lol) is the distance. I like to think we could deal with that though. I guess we'll see.

But like I said, he's the greatest. We talked for at least 6 hours today about nothing at all and he complimented me a million times. I haven't been this happy/giddy in a long time. The fact that he's pretty hot too doesn't hurt the situation.

Okay, I'm done talking about him. I just wanted to get that off my chest. I'm like a giddy schoolgirl with her first playground crush all over again. He leaves me speechless constantly and that's a nice feeling.

009;

Today, Dad asked me what I would do if I didn't become an author. I didn't answer him...I couldn't answer him. It was like something had stuck its icy hand into my chest and grabbed my heart. I couldn't breathe, move, think.

Becoming an author is not an option. I'm going to fucking do it. I would kill for it. It's the only thing I've ever wanted...the only thing I'm good at.

008;

The only thing that I've ever wanted to be is a writer. Just recently I want to be an English teacher but if you gave me the choice, there would be no debate. I want people to read my writing and feel emotion. I want them to laugh and cry and I want them to fucking care. I want to instill emotions that make roots and don't go away easily. I want to write unforgettable stories that people will talk about for years to come.

I don't care if I get rich off it; don't get me wrong, that would be nice. I just want people to feel and understand and care. I want people to read my words and FEEL something that they've never felt before. I want to write characters so real so you think could touch them. I want people to cry over it. I don't want to be just another wash up attempted writer.

I want people to know who I am long after I'm dead. I know that'll probably never happen but I'd like it. I mean...don't we all want to be remembered? I don't want to die without someone remembering me. Some people will have kids to remember them, husbands and wives too but I don't want that. Marriage fucking terrifies me and I'm scared that if I have a kid, I'll fuck up it's life. I'd rather spend my whole life alone than deal with that.

Everyone tells me "Oh you say that now Sarah, but just watch, you'll have kids." They're wrong. I couldn't handle it. I'm too selfish. Commitment scares me, kids scare me...life scares me.

I just want to write and even that seems to be slipping away from me now. I'm nothing without my ability to piece together words in a cohesive and emotional manner. I don't know anything else. I'm not good at anything else. I'm noone without words.

007;

I'm always lonely. I can be in a room full of people but I'm still lonely. It doesn't matter how many people you're around, it's who you're around. Hell, half the people I'm with are great people but they don't understand me. I can't talk to them about stuff that's really bugging me. I have probably 5 or 6 people in the whole world I can do that with. My "best friend" isn't in that list.

Does it make me a shitty person if I don't trust her? My best friend that is. Well, I trust her...just not with real stuff. I trust her with little secrets but I'm scared to tell her how I really feel about stuff. I can't even fucking tell her that I'm bisexual. I've told people I've never even met, that I probably will never meet and I'm more comfortable with them knowing than I will ever be with her knowing. She'll probably end up telling her mom who'll go and tell everyone else.

I think I could trust her more if she confided in her mom less.

006;

The thing I hate most about people coming over is when they leave again.

005;

So today dad ruined my last chance to see Phil before he leaves. Thanks, pops. Couldn't wait a few more days to call the driving lady, could you? :stare

Oh, and dear "best friend" kindly stop being a moody cunt. I'm tired of it. And I really wish you would stop telling your mom EVERYTHING about my life. I don't care if you tell her everything about you but leave me out of it. You don't need to tell her I have a doctor's appointment, what the fuck? Now she won't get off my back about it. And I'm very tempted to delete you off facebook sinc e you let your mom log onto your account and I don't want her seeing my stuff. You say that Vern is bad, your mom is just the same. She won't drop anything and I'm tired of it. And you would also think that if your neighbour is shit-talking your best friend, you would stand up for her. But no, what do you do? Nothing. If my dad says shit about you, I tell him to shut up. It's nice to know you would return that favour. Oh, and one more thing; stop fucking skipping school "because you feel like it." No wonder you want to be a stay-at-home mom. You wouldn't have to do anything. And you want to be a pastry chef? Pfft, fuck that. You would skip out on classes to be able to sleep in. Sometimes I don't know why we're friends. All you do is piss me off and you say I make you mad, yet I do nothing to aggravate you.

Oh, and my math teacher is a bitch who won't help me with anything. Yes, today I am angry. This is my ranting blog. I can't even bitch about Jennie on twitter anymore because she now follows me on there.

The only good thing that happened today is that I played 5 straight hours of Gears of War and took a long, hot shower. I have a feeling tomorrow is gonna suck too though.

004;

I may or may not have forgotten about my blog. >.>

Alright, so. I got my report card. Pretty good, an A, two B's and a C- (in math of course). I'm hoping to get the math up and maybe get those B's up to A's. :D

Tonight is the night of winter formal. I'm not going. Mainly because I hate wearing dresses. Instead, I am going to dance around my room to my music, singing along to it and eating crackers. This, to me, is so much better than a stuffy formal dance. xD

And alas, I am out of things to say, so I think I'm going to light my candle (mmm vanilla xD) and colour in my colouring books.

Night all <3