023;

Okay, so now we're into October. I dropped out of Byrne Creek and I'm now going to register online. I feel much happier with this decision.

Oh, and hanging out with Brandon and Jolene made me realize that I really really REALLY want my own gamerboy. I want a boy to play video games with me and share my love of RvB and cuddle while watching Star Wars, Star Trek and Harry Potter.

022;

Despite the fact that I know I should be attending class everyday...I find myself unable to gather the motivation. I came home sick last Thursday but on Friday...I just didn't feel like going. So I faked sick and stayed home.

Today, I find myself unbearably tired. Like, I got loads of sleep last night but if I'm not doing something for a few seconds, I find myself dozing. So...I decided to stay home and sleep. At least this time I'm going to be finishing up math and psychology homework but still.

Part of me just wants to do my courses online. I don't like the people at my school. A few are nice but most of them are just rude and bitchy. I don't feel like I fit in and I hate it. I really want to talk to my mom about signing up online, but at a place that has teachers I can e-mail at all times for help. I think it would be much better than this.

021;

I hate myself for letting my relationship with my Dad get as bad as it is. I just want him to know that I'm still his little girl and that I love him. I don't think he'll believe me when I tell him though. I've broken his heart and that kills me more than anything.

020;

I'm down in Vancouver now. It's a bitter-sweet happiness. On one hand I'm happy to be away from my dad and all the Williams Lake but on the other hand, I miss all my friends. I never realized how much everyone means to me until I can't see them whenever I want. I know this is best for me but, as with everything, I can't help but feel I'm making the wrong choice.

Dad told me today that Zuke doesn't seem to miss me. Is it wrong that that killed me? I love that little dog more than anything and as soon as I'm gone, he doesn't even notice or care. I know that's stupid to cry over but guess what I'm doing now as I write this. Yep, you're right.

I've really been slacking with my writing lately and I hate myself for it. I'm excited for the story Jolene and I are planning to write though. I haven't been excited for my writing in awhile. I'm kinda scared I'll lose interest though, just like all my other writing projects.

I've been thinking about what people think of me a lot lately. I can't help but feel like when guys look at me, they only see a friend; that they never see a girlfriend. I know that probably sounds stupid but I don't feel like I'm the kind of girl you'd want to take home to mom. I don't know, I might just be acting stupid.

I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. I'm just babbling. I need someone to talk to. I'm supposed to be able to talk to my mom about anything but I'm scared of her judging me.

019;

so i'm sitting here, waiting until i get tired so i can go to bed. i'm reading a new tumblr that was recommended to me.

5 pages in, i start to tear up.

6 pages in, i'm sniffling and downing ice cream.

7 pages in, i'm comparing myself to some of the posts.

8 pages in, i'm bawling my eyes out, thinking about everything in my life i regret.


i just want to go back to the beginning of highschool and slap myself and scream at myself. i want to tell myself what happens and what to avoid and what to brace myself for.

i just want to go back to being young and innocent and still thinking the world is a good place instead of the shitty place it really is.

i want to go back to my little fantasy land, hidden away from reality.

019;

I never realized how much a sexist pig my father is until today.

When I asked him why I'm the only one who ever seems to cook or clean the house, he answered with "Because you're the female in this house."

Fucking seriously? You've lost a whole damn lot of my respect.

I'm starting to think he doesn't want me driving, either. He never congratulates me on my driving when I do something good, he always seems to criticize. Maybe it's because he wants me to do good on my test but part of me thinks he resents it. I understand if he really didn't want me driving, he wouldn't have let me go for my licence but you never know.

As my moving out gets closer and closer, he's acting more and more childish. I'm starting to not be able to stand him at all. He's constantly telling me he's going to stop harassing me about every little detail about my life because it is, MY life but he does it anyways. I'm getting tired of it. My decisions, my life. Stay out of it. If I want to stay up until 3am talking to friends, so be it. It's summertime, I'm allowed that. I understand if you bitch at me on a school night for doing it but I have nothing to do in the morning.

Just leave me be, Dad. Stop picking at everything. Please.

018;

I'm moving. I'm leaving Williams Lake.

I know I'm hurting people by doing it. My brother cried when I told him. My dad says he'll miss me. My friends say they'll miss me.

This is the right thing to do though. I want this, I need this. I can't take living with my Dad anymore. I can't take being in this town anymore.

I'm moving down sometime in August. I have a month to get things settled before I start school.

This is good. Things are going to be better doing this.