009;

Today, Dad asked me what I would do if I didn't become an author. I didn't answer him...I couldn't answer him. It was like something had stuck its icy hand into my chest and grabbed my heart. I couldn't breathe, move, think.

Becoming an author is not an option. I'm going to fucking do it. I would kill for it. It's the only thing I've ever wanted...the only thing I'm good at.

008;

The only thing that I've ever wanted to be is a writer. Just recently I want to be an English teacher but if you gave me the choice, there would be no debate. I want people to read my writing and feel emotion. I want them to laugh and cry and I want them to fucking care. I want to instill emotions that make roots and don't go away easily. I want to write unforgettable stories that people will talk about for years to come.

I don't care if I get rich off it; don't get me wrong, that would be nice. I just want people to feel and understand and care. I want people to read my words and FEEL something that they've never felt before. I want to write characters so real so you think could touch them. I want people to cry over it. I don't want to be just another wash up attempted writer.

I want people to know who I am long after I'm dead. I know that'll probably never happen but I'd like it. I mean...don't we all want to be remembered? I don't want to die without someone remembering me. Some people will have kids to remember them, husbands and wives too but I don't want that. Marriage fucking terrifies me and I'm scared that if I have a kid, I'll fuck up it's life. I'd rather spend my whole life alone than deal with that.

Everyone tells me "Oh you say that now Sarah, but just watch, you'll have kids." They're wrong. I couldn't handle it. I'm too selfish. Commitment scares me, kids scare me...life scares me.

I just want to write and even that seems to be slipping away from me now. I'm nothing without my ability to piece together words in a cohesive and emotional manner. I don't know anything else. I'm not good at anything else. I'm noone without words.

007;

I'm always lonely. I can be in a room full of people but I'm still lonely. It doesn't matter how many people you're around, it's who you're around. Hell, half the people I'm with are great people but they don't understand me. I can't talk to them about stuff that's really bugging me. I have probably 5 or 6 people in the whole world I can do that with. My "best friend" isn't in that list.

Does it make me a shitty person if I don't trust her? My best friend that is. Well, I trust her...just not with real stuff. I trust her with little secrets but I'm scared to tell her how I really feel about stuff. I can't even fucking tell her that I'm bisexual. I've told people I've never even met, that I probably will never meet and I'm more comfortable with them knowing than I will ever be with her knowing. She'll probably end up telling her mom who'll go and tell everyone else.

I think I could trust her more if she confided in her mom less.

006;

The thing I hate most about people coming over is when they leave again.