025;

I just realized that I'm not going to have grad pictures, I'm not going to have any dances, I'm not going to have a dry-grad and I doubt that I'm going to have a graduation ceremony. I have no friends other than Jolene. I don't leave the house unless it's with Jolene. I don't think I'm going to graduate by June.

I'm starting to think that maybe this wasn't the greatest decision...it's too late for me to change that though.

024;

I think I've finally reached that point in my depression that I don't give a shit anymore.

Nothing bothers me. I hardly feel anything at all. It's like none of this is worth it anymore; like there's no point.

Why should I even try do be anything with my life when we all end up dead anyways? Why shouldn't I just cut out numerous decades and end it all now? It makes perfect sense, in my head.

It's not like I'm ever going to be completely happy. I'm too hard to please and I spend far too much time being a pessimist.

To put it simply, I don't give a fuck.

023;

Okay, so now we're into October. I dropped out of Byrne Creek and I'm now going to register online. I feel much happier with this decision.

Oh, and hanging out with Brandon and Jolene made me realize that I really really REALLY want my own gamerboy. I want a boy to play video games with me and share my love of RvB and cuddle while watching Star Wars, Star Trek and Harry Potter.

022;

Despite the fact that I know I should be attending class everyday...I find myself unable to gather the motivation. I came home sick last Thursday but on Friday...I just didn't feel like going. So I faked sick and stayed home.

Today, I find myself unbearably tired. Like, I got loads of sleep last night but if I'm not doing something for a few seconds, I find myself dozing. So...I decided to stay home and sleep. At least this time I'm going to be finishing up math and psychology homework but still.

Part of me just wants to do my courses online. I don't like the people at my school. A few are nice but most of them are just rude and bitchy. I don't feel like I fit in and I hate it. I really want to talk to my mom about signing up online, but at a place that has teachers I can e-mail at all times for help. I think it would be much better than this.

021;

I hate myself for letting my relationship with my Dad get as bad as it is. I just want him to know that I'm still his little girl and that I love him. I don't think he'll believe me when I tell him though. I've broken his heart and that kills me more than anything.

020;

I'm down in Vancouver now. It's a bitter-sweet happiness. On one hand I'm happy to be away from my dad and all the Williams Lake but on the other hand, I miss all my friends. I never realized how much everyone means to me until I can't see them whenever I want. I know this is best for me but, as with everything, I can't help but feel I'm making the wrong choice.

Dad told me today that Zuke doesn't seem to miss me. Is it wrong that that killed me? I love that little dog more than anything and as soon as I'm gone, he doesn't even notice or care. I know that's stupid to cry over but guess what I'm doing now as I write this. Yep, you're right.

I've really been slacking with my writing lately and I hate myself for it. I'm excited for the story Jolene and I are planning to write though. I haven't been excited for my writing in awhile. I'm kinda scared I'll lose interest though, just like all my other writing projects.

I've been thinking about what people think of me a lot lately. I can't help but feel like when guys look at me, they only see a friend; that they never see a girlfriend. I know that probably sounds stupid but I don't feel like I'm the kind of girl you'd want to take home to mom. I don't know, I might just be acting stupid.

I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. I'm just babbling. I need someone to talk to. I'm supposed to be able to talk to my mom about anything but I'm scared of her judging me.

019;

so i'm sitting here, waiting until i get tired so i can go to bed. i'm reading a new tumblr that was recommended to me.

5 pages in, i start to tear up.

6 pages in, i'm sniffling and downing ice cream.

7 pages in, i'm comparing myself to some of the posts.

8 pages in, i'm bawling my eyes out, thinking about everything in my life i regret.


i just want to go back to the beginning of highschool and slap myself and scream at myself. i want to tell myself what happens and what to avoid and what to brace myself for.

i just want to go back to being young and innocent and still thinking the world is a good place instead of the shitty place it really is.

i want to go back to my little fantasy land, hidden away from reality.

019;

I never realized how much a sexist pig my father is until today.

When I asked him why I'm the only one who ever seems to cook or clean the house, he answered with "Because you're the female in this house."

Fucking seriously? You've lost a whole damn lot of my respect.

I'm starting to think he doesn't want me driving, either. He never congratulates me on my driving when I do something good, he always seems to criticize. Maybe it's because he wants me to do good on my test but part of me thinks he resents it. I understand if he really didn't want me driving, he wouldn't have let me go for my licence but you never know.

As my moving out gets closer and closer, he's acting more and more childish. I'm starting to not be able to stand him at all. He's constantly telling me he's going to stop harassing me about every little detail about my life because it is, MY life but he does it anyways. I'm getting tired of it. My decisions, my life. Stay out of it. If I want to stay up until 3am talking to friends, so be it. It's summertime, I'm allowed that. I understand if you bitch at me on a school night for doing it but I have nothing to do in the morning.

Just leave me be, Dad. Stop picking at everything. Please.

018;

I'm moving. I'm leaving Williams Lake.

I know I'm hurting people by doing it. My brother cried when I told him. My dad says he'll miss me. My friends say they'll miss me.

This is the right thing to do though. I want this, I need this. I can't take living with my Dad anymore. I can't take being in this town anymore.

I'm moving down sometime in August. I have a month to get things settled before I start school.

This is good. Things are going to be better doing this.

017;

Dear Father,

Guess what? One day, I'm going to be so much better than you. In fact, I already am. I actually have dreams and goals in life. All you will ever be a lonely old millwright. That's all you'll ever be. Me? I'm going to be an author. I'm going to make people cry and laugh and smile because of my writing. I'm going to make a difference. You never will.

I'm going to be a teacher. I'm going to inspire people. All you will ever do is bring people down.

I'm a good fucking person. You're not. I will never be anything like you.

If I ever do have kids you can be fucking sure that I will never treat them like you treat me. You watch me cry because of the things you say to me and you just keep going. You don't stop, you don't ever stop. You just keep screaming and yelling and making me want to kill myself. Honestly, you have no idea how many times I've wanted to just end it all.

Every time you yell at me I think of a new way to kill myself. You don't know that I've tried it once before. You don't know anything that I've done.

Most of all...you don't know how worthless you make me feel. You yell at me and I feel like I'm never going to amount to anything. So congratulations, you've broken me. I'm not Sarah anymore. I'll never be Sarah as long as I live with you. I can't wait until I get the fuck out of here.

The day I move out I'm going to fucking unleash everything on you. I'm going to be the one screaming at you for hours. You're not going to know what hit you. I'm going to hit you with everything you have ever said to me and let you know exactly how I feel. I can only hope you cry. I would love to see you cry. I don't care how horrible that makes me sound, I want to make you cry. I hope for Ian's sake that you get the fucking idea of how much you've hurt me and that you never yell at him. The kid can't deal with it. You'll push him over the edge and maybe he'll end up succeeding where I did not. Most of all I hope he stays with Mom. At least she doesn't demoralize him for no reason.

You're an asshole. I won't be surprised if I never talk to you again. I'm never going to come visit you. I will never hug you. Nothing you can ever say will make up for this. I'm not your daughter anymore. I don't love you, I just fucking hate you. And I will prove you wrong if it's the last thing I ever do.

Sincerely,
Sarah.

016;

I fall into like too easily. I should really learn to control my emotions before they control me.

015;

I'm failing two classes. I don't know if I can pass them. Math will probably be failed for sure. Biology I'm hoping I can pass.

If I don't, I fail grade 11. If that happens...I don't know. I guess I'll have fucked myself over again.

Maybe I should just drop out and write. I can't deal with teachers anymore. I think I might just have to go to Grow or something, for real. I cannot fucking deal with it.

014;

10 random facts about Sarah.

1. I've kinda given up on myself.
2. I want things so badly but not badly enough to do anything for them.
3. I can't even stand to look at myself, I hate myself right now.
4. I can't sleep if someone in the room is talking/has the light on.
5. I don't ever want to get married or have kids. I think I'd rather die.
6. I'm fucking terrified of not reaching my dreams. There is nothing else I want to do so I'm pretty much S.O.L if that happens.
7. I want to be covered in pretty tattoos.
8. I'm scared to admit my sexuality to anyone.
9. I hate being touched. I have to be in a certain mood (not horny you pervs) to be able to deal with people.
10. Part of me wants to drop out of school and write.

012;

"You're pathetic, Sarah. Look at your life."

"Shut your fucking mouth! You're the pathetic one! What kind of father says the things you do to his daughter?! You sicken me."

"I'm sorry..."

"You have no idea how what you say to me hurts me."

Holy shit, I stood up for myself.

;011 Ghost of you

Coarse hands running over silken skin,

Fingertips trailing over protruding collarbones.

His breath hot on the side of her neck,

His broad chest pressing against her back.

Moving his hands to her shoulders,

He rubbed them soothingly.

"Open your eyes." Came his soft voice,

Right by her ear.

As she hesitated he squeezed her shoulders,

Until her eyes fluttered open.

Her breath caught in her throat,

Scalding hot tears pouring down her flushed cheeks.

She was standing at a grave,

His grave.

Clenching her fist down upon the roses in her hand,

She brushed the stems.

Thorns pierced the tender skin of her palm,

But the pain went unnoticed.

Dropping to her knees,

She sobbed uncontrollably.

The feeling of him around her was gone,

She was unbearably alone.

010;

So I met a guy the other day. He's fucking amazing. He is everything I've ever wanted in a guy, seriously. He's sweet, kind, funny, caring, adorable and he listens. He actually cares about what I have to say. I only met him the other day but I already like him, a lot. Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions but he says he feels the same way and that he would love to be able to call me his girlfriend.

Holy fuck though, this is happening a little fast. Chris agrees though and we've decided to just become better friends first. I think this is a good choice. But really...he's amazing. The only thing stopping this from being the best relationship of all time (Sorry Lexi and Shay lol) is the distance. I like to think we could deal with that though. I guess we'll see.

But like I said, he's the greatest. We talked for at least 6 hours today about nothing at all and he complimented me a million times. I haven't been this happy/giddy in a long time. The fact that he's pretty hot too doesn't hurt the situation.

Okay, I'm done talking about him. I just wanted to get that off my chest. I'm like a giddy schoolgirl with her first playground crush all over again. He leaves me speechless constantly and that's a nice feeling.

009;

Today, Dad asked me what I would do if I didn't become an author. I didn't answer him...I couldn't answer him. It was like something had stuck its icy hand into my chest and grabbed my heart. I couldn't breathe, move, think.

Becoming an author is not an option. I'm going to fucking do it. I would kill for it. It's the only thing I've ever wanted...the only thing I'm good at.

008;

The only thing that I've ever wanted to be is a writer. Just recently I want to be an English teacher but if you gave me the choice, there would be no debate. I want people to read my writing and feel emotion. I want them to laugh and cry and I want them to fucking care. I want to instill emotions that make roots and don't go away easily. I want to write unforgettable stories that people will talk about for years to come.

I don't care if I get rich off it; don't get me wrong, that would be nice. I just want people to feel and understand and care. I want people to read my words and FEEL something that they've never felt before. I want to write characters so real so you think could touch them. I want people to cry over it. I don't want to be just another wash up attempted writer.

I want people to know who I am long after I'm dead. I know that'll probably never happen but I'd like it. I mean...don't we all want to be remembered? I don't want to die without someone remembering me. Some people will have kids to remember them, husbands and wives too but I don't want that. Marriage fucking terrifies me and I'm scared that if I have a kid, I'll fuck up it's life. I'd rather spend my whole life alone than deal with that.

Everyone tells me "Oh you say that now Sarah, but just watch, you'll have kids." They're wrong. I couldn't handle it. I'm too selfish. Commitment scares me, kids scare me...life scares me.

I just want to write and even that seems to be slipping away from me now. I'm nothing without my ability to piece together words in a cohesive and emotional manner. I don't know anything else. I'm not good at anything else. I'm noone without words.

007;

I'm always lonely. I can be in a room full of people but I'm still lonely. It doesn't matter how many people you're around, it's who you're around. Hell, half the people I'm with are great people but they don't understand me. I can't talk to them about stuff that's really bugging me. I have probably 5 or 6 people in the whole world I can do that with. My "best friend" isn't in that list.

Does it make me a shitty person if I don't trust her? My best friend that is. Well, I trust her...just not with real stuff. I trust her with little secrets but I'm scared to tell her how I really feel about stuff. I can't even fucking tell her that I'm bisexual. I've told people I've never even met, that I probably will never meet and I'm more comfortable with them knowing than I will ever be with her knowing. She'll probably end up telling her mom who'll go and tell everyone else.

I think I could trust her more if she confided in her mom less.

006;

The thing I hate most about people coming over is when they leave again.

005;

So today dad ruined my last chance to see Phil before he leaves. Thanks, pops. Couldn't wait a few more days to call the driving lady, could you? :stare

Oh, and dear "best friend" kindly stop being a moody cunt. I'm tired of it. And I really wish you would stop telling your mom EVERYTHING about my life. I don't care if you tell her everything about you but leave me out of it. You don't need to tell her I have a doctor's appointment, what the fuck? Now she won't get off my back about it. And I'm very tempted to delete you off facebook sinc e you let your mom log onto your account and I don't want her seeing my stuff. You say that Vern is bad, your mom is just the same. She won't drop anything and I'm tired of it. And you would also think that if your neighbour is shit-talking your best friend, you would stand up for her. But no, what do you do? Nothing. If my dad says shit about you, I tell him to shut up. It's nice to know you would return that favour. Oh, and one more thing; stop fucking skipping school "because you feel like it." No wonder you want to be a stay-at-home mom. You wouldn't have to do anything. And you want to be a pastry chef? Pfft, fuck that. You would skip out on classes to be able to sleep in. Sometimes I don't know why we're friends. All you do is piss me off and you say I make you mad, yet I do nothing to aggravate you.

Oh, and my math teacher is a bitch who won't help me with anything. Yes, today I am angry. This is my ranting blog. I can't even bitch about Jennie on twitter anymore because she now follows me on there.

The only good thing that happened today is that I played 5 straight hours of Gears of War and took a long, hot shower. I have a feeling tomorrow is gonna suck too though.