020;

I'm down in Vancouver now. It's a bitter-sweet happiness. On one hand I'm happy to be away from my dad and all the Williams Lake but on the other hand, I miss all my friends. I never realized how much everyone means to me until I can't see them whenever I want. I know this is best for me but, as with everything, I can't help but feel I'm making the wrong choice.

Dad told me today that Zuke doesn't seem to miss me. Is it wrong that that killed me? I love that little dog more than anything and as soon as I'm gone, he doesn't even notice or care. I know that's stupid to cry over but guess what I'm doing now as I write this. Yep, you're right.

I've really been slacking with my writing lately and I hate myself for it. I'm excited for the story Jolene and I are planning to write though. I haven't been excited for my writing in awhile. I'm kinda scared I'll lose interest though, just like all my other writing projects.

I've been thinking about what people think of me a lot lately. I can't help but feel like when guys look at me, they only see a friend; that they never see a girlfriend. I know that probably sounds stupid but I don't feel like I'm the kind of girl you'd want to take home to mom. I don't know, I might just be acting stupid.

I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. I'm just babbling. I need someone to talk to. I'm supposed to be able to talk to my mom about anything but I'm scared of her judging me.

019;

so i'm sitting here, waiting until i get tired so i can go to bed. i'm reading a new tumblr that was recommended to me.

5 pages in, i start to tear up.

6 pages in, i'm sniffling and downing ice cream.

7 pages in, i'm comparing myself to some of the posts.

8 pages in, i'm bawling my eyes out, thinking about everything in my life i regret.


i just want to go back to the beginning of highschool and slap myself and scream at myself. i want to tell myself what happens and what to avoid and what to brace myself for.

i just want to go back to being young and innocent and still thinking the world is a good place instead of the shitty place it really is.

i want to go back to my little fantasy land, hidden away from reality.

019;

I never realized how much a sexist pig my father is until today.

When I asked him why I'm the only one who ever seems to cook or clean the house, he answered with "Because you're the female in this house."

Fucking seriously? You've lost a whole damn lot of my respect.

I'm starting to think he doesn't want me driving, either. He never congratulates me on my driving when I do something good, he always seems to criticize. Maybe it's because he wants me to do good on my test but part of me thinks he resents it. I understand if he really didn't want me driving, he wouldn't have let me go for my licence but you never know.

As my moving out gets closer and closer, he's acting more and more childish. I'm starting to not be able to stand him at all. He's constantly telling me he's going to stop harassing me about every little detail about my life because it is, MY life but he does it anyways. I'm getting tired of it. My decisions, my life. Stay out of it. If I want to stay up until 3am talking to friends, so be it. It's summertime, I'm allowed that. I understand if you bitch at me on a school night for doing it but I have nothing to do in the morning.

Just leave me be, Dad. Stop picking at everything. Please.

018;

I'm moving. I'm leaving Williams Lake.

I know I'm hurting people by doing it. My brother cried when I told him. My dad says he'll miss me. My friends say they'll miss me.

This is the right thing to do though. I want this, I need this. I can't take living with my Dad anymore. I can't take being in this town anymore.

I'm moving down sometime in August. I have a month to get things settled before I start school.

This is good. Things are going to be better doing this.

017;

Dear Father,

Guess what? One day, I'm going to be so much better than you. In fact, I already am. I actually have dreams and goals in life. All you will ever be a lonely old millwright. That's all you'll ever be. Me? I'm going to be an author. I'm going to make people cry and laugh and smile because of my writing. I'm going to make a difference. You never will.

I'm going to be a teacher. I'm going to inspire people. All you will ever do is bring people down.

I'm a good fucking person. You're not. I will never be anything like you.

If I ever do have kids you can be fucking sure that I will never treat them like you treat me. You watch me cry because of the things you say to me and you just keep going. You don't stop, you don't ever stop. You just keep screaming and yelling and making me want to kill myself. Honestly, you have no idea how many times I've wanted to just end it all.

Every time you yell at me I think of a new way to kill myself. You don't know that I've tried it once before. You don't know anything that I've done.

Most of all...you don't know how worthless you make me feel. You yell at me and I feel like I'm never going to amount to anything. So congratulations, you've broken me. I'm not Sarah anymore. I'll never be Sarah as long as I live with you. I can't wait until I get the fuck out of here.

The day I move out I'm going to fucking unleash everything on you. I'm going to be the one screaming at you for hours. You're not going to know what hit you. I'm going to hit you with everything you have ever said to me and let you know exactly how I feel. I can only hope you cry. I would love to see you cry. I don't care how horrible that makes me sound, I want to make you cry. I hope for Ian's sake that you get the fucking idea of how much you've hurt me and that you never yell at him. The kid can't deal with it. You'll push him over the edge and maybe he'll end up succeeding where I did not. Most of all I hope he stays with Mom. At least she doesn't demoralize him for no reason.

You're an asshole. I won't be surprised if I never talk to you again. I'm never going to come visit you. I will never hug you. Nothing you can ever say will make up for this. I'm not your daughter anymore. I don't love you, I just fucking hate you. And I will prove you wrong if it's the last thing I ever do.

Sincerely,
Sarah.

016;

I fall into like too easily. I should really learn to control my emotions before they control me.

015;

I'm failing two classes. I don't know if I can pass them. Math will probably be failed for sure. Biology I'm hoping I can pass.

If I don't, I fail grade 11. If that happens...I don't know. I guess I'll have fucked myself over again.

Maybe I should just drop out and write. I can't deal with teachers anymore. I think I might just have to go to Grow or something, for real. I cannot fucking deal with it.